Don't Forget Me
by XI-Am-ObsessedX
Summary: -ON HIATUS- *AU fic* Before Matt could ever tell Tord how he felt, he left to 'follow his dreams' and broke off all contact. Matt tries to power through it and tell himself he's okay, but he knows he's not. Little does he know that holding on to the past could bring his very end. Unrequited TordMatt and eventual Eddmatt. Rated T for some language, but it's mostly blood.
1. Wanting

I never thought I'd live to see the day when myself wasn't enough for me. Then I stopped seeing _him_ as just a guy: he was a silver-eyed fallen angel. I don't know when it first happened — me falling for him, I mean — but at the time, I couldn't imagine my life without him there by my side. The day I first realized my true feelings was burned into my brain like a farmer's brand was to his cows.

We were watching Return Of The Insane Zombie Pirates from Hell, the first one, because after finally getting around to seeing the third, Tord complained that it wasn't true to the original's blend of horror and comedy. It was his absolute favorite movie and he'd convinced us to re-watch it with him, though Tom got pissed and left about half an hour in after Tord made a comment that was only _half_ -joking. He had the bowl of popcorn on his left side and me comfortably on his right, both within arm's reach. When he remarked on events, he'd always turn to me and it was the most verbose I'd seen him in a long time. It wasn't until the climax of the movie, a hyberbolically gory fight scene, that he laughed the hardest he had throughout the entire runtime. It was his favorite part, a bloody mess played for laughs that just made me wince violently.

But then he wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me in a little closer, guffawing, face red in exuberance. He smelled of sweat and cologne mixed together and cigarette smoke distinct above the rest, though I didn't mind it at all.

He turned his head to me, panting softly, trying to catch his breath as he said, "They'll never make sequel _this_ good!"

His breath was warm on my neck, increasing my temperature exponentially, and smelled of popcorn and peppermint, which I knew he only ate to try to kill the stretch of smoke. He could've said literally anything, but I felt the color rush to my face as I imagined closing the gap between us, him purring in my ear, me getting to taste that cool mint which sent excited shivers down my spine...

He was gone too fast. The moment which lasted only about ten seconds had felt like hours. A friendly gesture was so much more to me, and I knew in my soul that I wanted him as more than just a pal and I could deny all the signs of this no longer.

I spend over a year after that painfully aware of how I pined for him. Sometimes, I was convinced he didn't even like me, so I made a conscious effort to get closer to him, to make him see how nice I could be. I made room for him when I previously had only space for myself, and it was weird, yet astounding. I savored every moment I spent with him. Edd never said anything, though I got the feeling he knew when I was stared at Tord for a _little_ too long.

He was always at loggerheads with Tom, so at least the latter never noticed what was up with me when I'd get lost in his eyes. Two beautiful people, me just more beautiful, of course, together. It sounded so good to me. I gave myself pep talks in the mirror, saying he wouldn't reject someone as hot as myself and I didn't have anything to worry about. Well, after so many months of wishing, I finally decided that I had enough: I had to make a move before he found someone. Was he even gay? I'd never really seen him with a girl...Or maybe he was bi like me? I'd never know if I never asked. He'd never be _mine_ if I didn't ask. And I had to hope and pray that he wouldn't hate me when he found out.

Around this time, Edd started to take an interest in flowers. He'd keep them around the house all the time to draw, study and care for. So I thought to myself: 'You should buy Tord some flowers!' And that's exactly what I did. I bought him bouquet of red roses, the international symbol for "I love you." I missed Valentine's Day by a few months, but my spirit was not dampened. Attached to the flowers was a letter saying all the words my mouth could not properly form.

I was in my room as it sat on my dresser, trying to eliminate my lingering doubt. I wanted this _badly_ and nothing would be able to stop me at that point, right? As I picked up the flowers, someone knocked on my door and I dropped the bouquet in surprise. I opened up and there was just the boy I wanted to see, looking up at me.

"Hey, Tord. Glad you came — I wanted to talk to you about something important." I felt myself perspiring anxiously. He seemed...down. Was he okay?

"That's funny, since I came to do the same thing."

My sweat dropped as every bad possibility rushed through my mind in seconds. Suddenly, I was terrified.

In an attempt to stall myself from completing my original task, I replied, "Oh, okay. You can go first, then."

He shifted nervously, something he practically _never_ did. "Are you sure about that?"

"Go ahead — my thing can wait." I pulled the door open a bit more widely to invite him in and plopped down on my bed, patting next to me to tell him to sit. He did so immediately.

"Matt, you know how you're my sounding board, right?" I always thought that would've been Edd, but I nodded in agreement. "So you know about how I want to be a scientist and an inventor. This should not be news to you..." He kept turning away like he couldn't bear to look at me.

"What's wrong?"

His eyebrows were furrowed in distress, his mouth in a deepset frown. He looked so unlike the man I knew all those years. "Well, I can't be what I want to be _here._ Even though this is my home, I want to follow my dreams and maybe this isn't the right place for that."

It was silent for a moment as gears slowly turned in my brain. Then it clicked and I felt my breath hitch. "You're leaving." The words were heavy and sunk as soon as they were spoken.

"I'm afraid so."

I asked the only thing I could've without losing my cool: " _When_?"

He knitted his hands together pensively. "Two days from now." It was suddenly difficult to watch him as well.

"Do Tom and Edd know?" I knew anger was scrawled across my visage, but I wasn't mad at him: I was mad at myself for not acting sooner.

"I'm telling them right after this. I felt like I should've let you know first."

"Where are you going? When are you coming back?"

He shrugged listlessly. "I don't know. I mean, I guess I'll return one day, but the places I'm going don't really have much give so it could be months... _years_."

Although tears pricked at the corners of my eyes, I refused to cry in front of him. "We'll keep in contact though, right?"

"Uh, yeah. I guess so. But, Matt, I just want you to do one thing for me when I leave, just in case we lose touch or if I really am gone for a long time."

"Anything," I returned, not being able to recall the last I'd been that sure of something.

"Promise you'll never forget me."

"Forget you? Tord, I could never..."

He looked me in the eye and smiled sadly. "It wouldn't be the first time it happened if you do."

"What? No!" I denied feverishly. "No, no, no. Listen to me: no matter what happens, I could never forget you. I lo—" I paused for half a second, "think you're awesome. Go out there and knock them dead. You'll be the most famous scientist/inventor there ever was. I should be asking _you_ to remember _me_ when you're rolling in money."

He giggled at that one and said, "Thanks, Matt. I appreciate that." He stood up and prepared to exit, but as he had turned the doorknob, he whirled back to me and mentioned, "Oh, you wanted to tell me something before I dropped the bomb on you?" The wind was gone from my sails — why was I bothering?

"No, it's not important anymore. It's okay."

"What? Are you sure?" he asked.

"Yeah. Irrelevant." The words burned my tongue like acid.

"Okay. I've got to go tell the others." I squeezed my eyes shut, emotions raging within.

"I'll miss you, Tord," I forced out.

"I'll miss you too, old friend."


	2. Wishing

I wrapped my arms around him, never wanting to let go because I knew deep down that I'd never see him again. I knew that the next time I saw him in person, he'd be a different man. Probably with a beautiful girlfriend or boyfriend...someone who wasn't me. And I wasn't capable of admitting that yes, I was disappointed.

Edd looked at me and said, "I can't believe Tord is leaving."

"Yes, Edd," he replied somewhat sullenly, "I have to follow my dream and make it in the big city."

I heard Tom say something along the lines of, "Fine by me."

Then he was walking to his car and saying farewell to us, his friends, Tom giving him a final jab by saying he _wasn't_ his friend. I stared, my mind seemingly in his car trunk getting ready to leave the house with him.

I never gave him the flowers: they were right there on my dresser, wilting slowly like all my dreams of being with him. His red car became a little dot on the horizon and that was it: he was gone, and with him went all my hope. I sighed breathily, trying to determine what I was supposed to do now that it really happened.

That afternoon, I took one rose and set it by my window to dry, the letter attached to its thorny stem. I wasn't sure what to do with the other eleven, so they remained where they were for the time being.

I texted him the day after to make sure he was okay and he replied within the next few hours. By the end of the first week, he was replying less and less frequently and I noticed that the distance between us was already too big. And then he just didn't reply. Why would he stop texting me just like that? He'd only been gone for two weeks when he mysteriously stopped saying anything. Was he fine? We're things going well? It was as the next one explanation came to me that I began to panic. Was I... _bothering_ him? And why was that a scarier prospect than all others? It made sense: I'm pretty, but what did that matter when he couldn't see me? I must've been boring him or seeming clingy, droning on and on about absolute bollocks. No wonder the replies ceased.

A few days passed before a pain started up in my chest. I told myself it was because I wasn't eating my meals on time and that it would go away as soon as I regained some amount of order. This was not the case: instead, I began to cough. It was maybe five days into my mysterious affliction when the idea that I was probably sick entered my mind.

"I think I have the cold," I said to Edd as he tended to a pot of daisies. It was summer and the colorful flowers were in season.

"Really?"

"Yeah. Maybe I should start taking it easy just in case."

"Perhaps. Don't stress yourself out, alright?"

"I won't. You're really turning this place into a green house, aren't you?"

He laughed airily and smiled at me. "I like flowers. They're like my kids, Matt."

I shrugged and took a whiff of a peony he had on the counter. "I guess that makes me a real creep, sniffing up all of your children." He playfully punched my shoulder, chuckling loudly.

I liked Edd's flowers, though. That day, I starting helping him take care of them, too. Tom thought we were crazy, especially Edd, who would talk to the plants sometimes as if they could reply.

A few more days passed as my condition worsened considerably. The first sign something was really off, though, was the day my lungs started up a fit while I was in my room and I had to put a tissue to my mouth as I coughed violently. It's a notable cause for concern when you hack up blood, correct? Well, I can do you one better because I also managed to produce a red flower petal. I knew for sure I hadn't had that before, so where did it come from? Was my sudden love for flowers causing me to inhale petals? This made not a lick of sense. Then I heard Edd yelling through the door to make sure I was alright and I had to lie through my teeth. I was going to buy a cough suppressant the next day and stay at home to recover: maybe I was just in dire need of some rest.

Edd made soup for me the following day and checked on me from time to time, taking my temperature and trying to keep me comfortable. I was incredibly thankful for the company. However, the pain in my chest was increasing in intensity. I wanted Tord to come over and make me laugh and tell me everything would be fine...it was a terribly foolish thought. He wasn't there, but what did it matter when I had Edd, right?

... _Right_?

"How do I look?" I asked emerald eyes as he sat on the edge of my bed.

He chuckled dryly and remarked, "You look sick."

"But still gorgeous, right?"

A warm blush spread across his cheeks as he beamed at me and brushed the hair from my forehead in a maternal fashion. "Of course."

My confidence had been waning and even that small bit of reassurance boosted my mood. "I feel pretty shitty," I admitted. It was honesty on more levels than one.

"Don't worry; it'll get better." He peered into my very soul at that moment and I wasn't sure how I felt about such nakedness. Then, he added, "I'll make sure of it." A smile I didn't know I had in me arose from nothingness. He made me believe this was only a small bump in the road that would shrink and I'd improve.

But first, I had to get way, way worse.

 _A/N: I used a slightly different variation of the scene of Tord leaving, without the memory eraser gun, obviously._


	3. Hurting

Red flowers; they were beautiful but deadly.

I tried to contact Tord, sending him multiple messages in succession telling him that I had something I needed to get off my chest...literally. He sent back a response, but it was a request for me to stop trying to get through to him. I tried to find out why and he said that he didn't have time to waste for him to keep trying to answer me consistently. I knew it: he was sick of me. Every breath took a little more effort to take. What was wrong with me?

I ignored what he typed and perservered a while longer, though he didn't reply to any message I sent following that.

I coughed up an entire flower one day, an azalea, and I only knew that because they were my favorite. Covered in blood but still whole and pretty all the same. I tried spending less time around the flowers in our house, consequently spending less time around Edd. Tom even knocked on my door a few times out of concern.

I was shutting myself off from them to try to hide what was happening. I prayed it would resolve itself and that the insanity would stop. I even tried to research it online, but there was nothing on Wikipidea or WebMD or anything. I saw a handful of drawings, though that didn't tell me much anything. At that point, I became too scared of what I might've found to keep searching and shut my computer off.

Tord had been gone for a month. I tried my very best not to think about him most of the time, but when he crept into my thoughts, it was practically impossible to get rid of him. He was like a weed, sprouting up in the crevices of my mind and leeching off of my energy. The more I thought of him, the more my chest hurt and the more I'd lock myself in the bathroom to hurl flowers into the sink. One day, he threatened to block me. I thought he was simply joking, however, he really _was_ pissed off. Mentioned wanting nothing to do with me now that he left. I suddenly wished he hadn't said a thing, dissecting every single detail of these messages in an attempt to recover the moment his attitude flipped. All the while, I felt no better. I didn't know what to do at that point: taking more cough syrup was strongly advised against on the bottle and I had no references. Though I might've had to go to the doctor, that was a terrifying thought and I was dreading it. Maybe I was losing my marbles and imagining the entire flower thing. What if that was the case and the doctor was going to call me crazy? And what about Edd and Tom? They'd worry themselves up a wall if I went and I hated doing that to them, especially if it would've resolved itself.

"I'm not hungry," I said for the umpteenth time. Edd looked taken aback and I saw the sweat beading on his forehead.

"Matt, you're starting to scare us. This isn't okay — you hardly come out all day and I never see you eat anymore!"

I shrugged tiredly. "I sneak around the kitchen after you're sleeping." It wasn't _entirely_ a lie.

Tom chimed in, "You're acting really weird, and that's coming from the guy who replaces some of his meals with Smirnoff."

"Tord would've been saying the same thing," Edd said.

I stood up hastily as he pulled my trigger, because everything was okay until he dragged _Tord_ into the conservation.

"You don't even know what you're talking about." The cola lover gasped, apparently offended.

"What's _wrong_ with you?" His hands came down hard on the table and it was undeniable that things were getting a bit heated. "We want to help!" he said sternly, looking at me like I was vanishing before his very eyes.

"Tord was a bloody good liar! Made you think he actually _cared_ about me! Doesn't mean a thing now that he can just press 'block' by my name, does it?" My breathing got fast and loud and I felt something rising up from my throat.

"Matt?" I heard Tom say, but I was already out of it.

I started coughing into my sleeve and trying to escape the people that said they were wondering about me. _They_ cared, not Tord. That's why I needed to stop wishing he loved me like I loved him. I pulled my arm away and observed that there was now a red spot on my jacket. In the back of my mind, I wondered if I dropped some petals in the hallway. I flung off the garment like it seared my flesh and threw it into a pile on my bedroom floor. I pined to go to bed and never get back up.

Within seconds, Edd was banging on my door. I even heard Tom telling him that it was futile. I didn't want them to see me in my pitiful state. I didn't want them to know that with every passing day, I was losing air.

I started spending entire days in my room, leaving only to go to the bathroom or get some water and a snack when my stomach was settled enough for me to eat. The petals were coming up with blood and bile and I'd find myself throwing up bouquets of red flowers by the end of the day. I was never able to get the taste of grass out of my mouth or aid the phantom stems I could feel scratching my throat.

Grey eyes were in every dream I conjured up.

On one of my trips to the kitchen, I saw Edd sitting by the table, staring into a mug and crying silently. I stopped dead in my tracks, because despite what I was already feeling, I still had my spirit dampened further by seeing him in that state. If I was the cause of it, I would've had to reconsider my whole approach.

"Eddie?" I forced out, voice hoarse from coughing and severe underuse. I hadn't called him that in weeks and had to pause after I caught the nickname leaving my lips.

"Matt?" he croaked, and I hated the sound so much. I knew what I had to do and I dropped myself into the seat opposite his, feeling absolutely exhausted.

"I'm surprised you finally decided to leave your room for once." I could taste the bitterness in his tone and it made me even more nauseous.

"Yeah, I suppose. Want to tell me why you're crying?"

He sniffled loudly and frowned in my general direction. "Oh, I don't know. Want to tell me why this is the first time you've spoken to me in a week?"

I swallowed the petals I felt trying to escape the prison that was my body, trying to feign strength for at least a little while. "I've been so...tired."

"This is more than tired," he mumbled, wiping his face with his sleeve. "Have you spoken to Tord lately? You've just been getting worse and worse since he left." He looked down at his mug again.

"Tord said he wants nothing to do with me anymore," I admitted, and like everything else in recent memory, it hurt me to do so.

" _What_? That's...I mean, he stopped saying anything to me a few _weeks_ ago. It's making it harder to stomach him not being here."

"Tell me about it..." I muttered sadly.

"But for him to push you away like that is...a lot. I'm sorry. He's always been there, and now he's just _not_. When I started growing flowers, all I wanted was to get rid of the smokey smell. Now the house is perfume scented, but it smells _too_ nice." His laugh was devoid of humor. "Tom won't confess to anything, but I know he misses Tord, too, no matter what he says. It's too quiet around here. I miss our late night talks over coffee. I miss his unique laughter. I wish he would at least write back...I really just miss _him_. Do you know what I mean?"

I felt the tear roll down my freckled cheek and I was quick to wipe it off. I felt embarrassed for this display. "He was typing about how I'm being annoying and how he should've known I was this...this 'needy _.' N_ _eedy_? What the hell is _that_ supposed to even mean? If it's so easy for him to press 'send' now, how much was he not telling me in person?" My voice got low and soft. "It's not fair of him, not after everything I went through," I almost whispered.

"I know," was the delayed response. I wiped my face wearily with my right hand as I felt something touch my left. When I lowered my hand to my mouth, I saw Edd maneuvering so that our fingers were intertwined across the table top, and somehow, it felt so _right_. His hand fit well in mine, his fingers shorter but his palms soft and delicate like a woman's. He tended to flowers and drew — of course that would be the case. Those were the hands of a lover, not a fighter. He smiled slightly, giving my hand a comforting squeeze.

We stayed like that for who knows how long until Tom came into the kitchen and saw us sitting there.

"Oh, look who's finally back," he smirked.

Edd turned a pretty shade of pink, as he often did around me. "We're reminiscing: that's all."

Tom sighed and shook his head thoughtfully. "I guess it _is_ kind of weird not having the commie bastard here." The alias sounded almost affectionate, like a nickname instead of the insult he hissed for all those years. Tom proceeded to retrieve a bottle of his favorite beverage from the fridge and took a swig.

I stayed with them a little while longer while we simply chatted and laughed, enjoying each other's company. I went to bed surprisingly happy and sleep took me soon. When I woke up the next day, I discovered something: for the first night in weeks, no more flowers had come up.

Maybe my condition was improving.


	4. Feeling

I ended up spending the rest of that day in bed. I read a bit, slept some more, ate what I could. I didn't get sick as much as usual, but I didn't feel much of anything.

I woke up the day after feeling less nauseous than usual, and I figured I'd able to get some breakfast to stay down for the first time in forever. Lucky me, right?

I didn't know what time it was, and I didn't care. I figured I'd grace Tom and Edd with my face again, but getting out of bed took actual _effort_. Then, I squinted my way through the corridor until I reached the kitchen and mumbled some kind of greeting or something. I was met with enthusiasm I couldn't even _begin_ to fake.

"Sleeping beauty has woken! How are you feeling, Matt?" Edd gave me this huge grin and I smiled back as best as I could, which was probably a pitiful attempt.

"I've...I've been _worse_."

Edd made a sort of chiding noise. "There'll be none of that talk today. After all, it's your _birthday_!"

Well, damn. I didn't even notice. I didn't even know what day of the week it was.

"Oh, yeah."

"Well, don't get _too_ excited," he said sarcastically. "I made you breakfast! I went all out, and there's lots of bacon too!"

The thought of heavy, greasy food made me feel sick, but there was no way I could turn down his hard work...

He plopped down a rather large plate in front of me and I stared at it like _it_ was going to eat _me_.

"Eddie, please—"

"Nonsense. Today is _your_ day! Eat well, okay? We have lots of plans!"

I carefully cut off a piece of pancake with the side of my fork, trying to consume at least part of the meal. "Plans? What plans?"

He gave me that smile again, and he actually wore on my nerves a little, whichever ones I had left. "You'll see, but eat first!"

Tom materialized out of thin air, or maybe I was too preoccupied with trying to figure out if I'd be able to eat or not.

"Oh," he muttered, "and here I was, thinking Edd was wasting his time cooking for you." He sounded...bitter. I wasn't expecting that. Then he walked up to me and punched my shoulder lightly, or what counted as lightly coming from him. "Clean yourself up when you're done here: you look like shit."

I felt a sense of emptiness settle in my stomach, and it gave me the drive to eat the meal placed in front of me. I still didn't finish it, but I got pretty far.

Edd told me to go freshen up and get dressed casually, but he wouldn't tell me where we were headed.

When I saw myself in the mirror, I ended up taking my bloody time getting ready. When had I last taken a shower, or combed my hair, or shaved, or given a single fuck about my appearance? Why couldn't I remember?

 _You're disgusting._

I usually felt too sick to bring myself to function. I still didn't care about how I looked half as much as I should've, but it was better as I became more self-aware of how bad I'd gotten.

I peeled off my clothes and hopped into the shower, hoping I could wash away my feelings while I was at it. The water saved me from the shell of filth I was in, but my emotions didn't change.

 _You're gonna fake it, and least just for today. Otherwise you're going to_ burden _them._

I choked back tears in the shower because I wasn't going to cry again. I just wasn't going to.

I got myself looking decent, then I threw on the first clothes I could find that passed the smell test. I just wanted to crawl back into bed and hide...but no. They made plans for my birthday and I couldn't turn them down, or else I'd probably lose them too.

 _You're_ needy _. Don't forget it._

That's what the last girlfriend I had told me. That's why she left me. She said I needed my ego fed, that I texted her too much, that I was too demanding.

Tord told me I was needy, and I never even got that far.

I started to cough violently again, and up came the flowers. I kept it contained to the sink, keeping my clothes okay so I wouldn't have to change, because I couldn't be bothered to. I splashed cold water on my face and walked back to the living room.

"Okay, where are we going?"

Edd grabbed Tom and my arms excitedly. "The amusement park! We haven't been since maybe two summers ago, and today is as good a day as any, right?" Eddie's cheeefulness brought a smile I didn't know I had to my face. "But first, I have something for you!" He scurried off hurriedly and returned with something behind his back, which he proceeded to present dramatically. "Ta-da!"

It was a drawing of me, smiling, mirror in hand. This was who I was supposed to be: not the person I saw in the bathroom glass.

"It's your favorite person!"

I looked at Edd, down at the picture, and to Edd again. Then, I threw my arms around him because I couldn't find the words to say thank you, and I just _missed_ him. I was in the room across the hall, but it was like he was forever away. He didn't say anything, but he hugged me back. He's so small...I forget how much shorter than me he is.

"Tom was the one who suggested the amusment park," he said when I finally pulled away. "He wasn't going to say anything about it."

I turned to Tom. "Well...I wanted to cheer you up or something, I guess." I gave him an innocent look, and he sighed wearily. Then, he gave me some kind of not-quite-there smile, and awkwardly offered me a hug too. I accepted it eagerly, but I knew I couldn't really linger as long because Tom wasn't big on being a softie.

I didn't say it, but I forgave him slfor saying I looked like shit. It hurt me, but he didn't mean it. At least, I was pretty sure he didn't.

I felt...happy. Still kind of hallow, but happier than I'd been since I first got sick.

"Ready to go, guys?" Edd asked, swinging the car keys around.

I wanted to keep feeling this joy. I missed it so, so much.

"Sure," was all I had to say.

 _A/N: Forgot about this story and deleted the drafts I had for this chapter and the next one, so I changed my ideas and rewrote this chapter._


End file.
